Happy Me Year!!!

Happy Me Year!!!

How did you start 2015?  I started this New Year by sipping fine champagne in between kissing someone I love very much.  I couldn’t have been happier. The kids were enjoying a drink break from throwing fireworks, and as soon as they could, they were happy to run back outside to continue the fun.  I enjoyed watching some of their fireworks and although seeing their huge excitement as they threw up fireworks then ran back to watch it explode in sparks of sound and beauty warmed my heart, I was glad to escape back to the warm comfort of fine champagne and sweet kisses. 

I am really excited for what God has in store for me in 2015; I have a really good feeling about this year.  I have had a good feeling for a while now; maybe it is the excitement of getting over the insomnia that plagued me for over a year.  Maybe its just waking up and knowing that the work I will do today will be mostly enjoyable work like cleaning my apartment, yes I actually enjoying cleaning these days, and baking J, definitely getting my skills back in that arena, writing J J, this one truly makes me happy because every time I write its easy to dream about selling over a million copies and being on NY Times best sellers list.  Yes, a girl can dream!  And I tell you, taking steps towards your dream makes that dream much more real.

Today I finally did something I have wanted to do for a while, and yes, that is something that I have truly enjoyed this past few months.  Actually doing the things, little and big (mostly little), that I want to do.  Anyways today I parked my car at my younger son’s elementary school after dropping him off at school and walked my older son to his middle school.  I then took a walk around the block before getting back in my car.  Why have I wanted to do this?  Well my dream of walking the boys to school have been deterred by the too cold Houston weather and the fact that I feel bad about making my younger son do the almost 30 minute walk which is how long it takes with his little steps.  God knows he is already too skinny!!!  I could also just come home and walk around the lake in my apartment complex, but I am already getting bored from doing the less than 1000 steps it takes to go around it, over and over again.  Yea, I have come to accept that I bore easily.

While I was walking the block, I realized that one of the reasons why people who spend most of their days doing the things they like are happier than those who spend most of their days doing the things they believe they should be doing is that the first group of people accept life’s hardship as a part of life, where as the latter group see life’s hardship as an effect of there rotten job, their being parents too early, their over bearing parents, or spouse or something else they have come to resent because of their life’s choice.  Ok let me attempt to explain this better with an example.  I lost myself somewhere in that complicated theoretical explanation.  So take me for example, like a lot of people there are things, which I believe I should have, like money to pay for GRE, prep classes, swimming, music lessons, acting classes and tennis lessons for the boys.  We definitely want to do it all!!  Sometimes I get headaches thinking about if I can really afford some of these things.  

When I made six-figures, these headaches blow up to migraines because I get myself worked up hating my job because I feel like what is the use of doing this job when I can’t afford basic stuff like that.  Today, I just gently told myself that if I can’t afford it now, I will just wait a little and just like that my headache stopped before it had a chance to take a major hold on me.

Even people who are hard on themselves like I am are somewhat happier and more content with the life they have when they are doing what they like to do.  Like right now, I am enjoying my career transition because it is a choice I made for me.  Everything, even life’s hardships feels all right to me.  A few weeks ago, I was taken aback by an outburst by a very good friend of mine who vehemently declared that she hates her life in this country and can’t wait to go back to Nigeria.  When she was done venting, I mulled over her complaints and bitterness for weeks.  It got me really worried, maybe because I was one of the people who encouraged her to come the US.  Today I dare say I understand where that outburst came from. 

Back in Nigeria, my friend was a stay at home mom because she chose to, she had friends she was happy with, a life she was comfortable and happy with.  Now in the US she is not only working outside her home but she is working on getting another degree so she could get a better job, I thought she had friends she was happy with and is building a life she was comfortable and happy with but I guess I was wrong.  My key understanding is that because the decision to relocate to the US was not hers, life’s hardship, which would also exist in Nigeria, is now blamed on the decision to move to the US.  I have had the opportunity to talk to her after the incidence and I believe that she has a better outlook now.  Dearest girl, if you read this and still feel as bad as you felt that day, let’s talk about it again. 

As for me, this "Me year", I am going to focus on counting my blessings.  Life is Good I tell you J.

God Bless.

Celebrating the New Year

Happy New Year Friends!!!

Happy New Year!!  I am sure some of you have made some New Year resolutions and some have even broken those resolutions already.  For me my only resolution in 2015 is to always celebrate the New Year with a Party on or around January 15^th!  Now that’s a resolution that will be hard to break J.

Anyone who knows me, know that I like to organize and execute a good party.  From cooking, to baking and drinks selection to color coordination, setting the scene, music selection and dancing, there is no aspect of party planning and execution that is not appealing work to me.  I can hear some of you saying, “you forgot cleaning up after!”  Yep! That was selective amnesia; I too, hate the cleaning up after part, which is why I am still cleaning up from my 36^th Birthday Party many days after the fun stuff.

For as long as I remember, I have always had a Birthday celebration.  Some years, like in in 2011 I had a big ole Fundraising party with a large venue, which I paid an interior decorator to bring my vision to life, a cake that came together so perfectly and tied the colors and party theme together in an exquisite way, courtesy of my dear friend and super talented cake designer Chioma.

I think having some kind of party for my birthday, be it big or small was born in my preteens, when my mother who loved to entertain but hated to cook, found out that her first-born child loved not only to cook but also to bake.  She would ask me to write a list of all the things I needed to cook and bake for my party and she would go to the market and buy all my passionate child heart desired including cake pans of different shapes and sizes.  One year I baked a total of 7 cakes for my Birthday and my mom had a great time giving cakes away to her friends who did not make it to the party.  Yea, most of the guests for my earlier birthday parties were mom’s friends.  I think mom used my birthday party as a New Year’s party for her friends.

Many Years later, I have come to realize that my annual Birthday celebration has become the same for me.  My Birthday is January 15^th and it is close enough to the New Year that by the turn of the year, I am already in the party planning phase and since party planning makes me happy, I start the new year happy, and that happiness spreads to the rest of the year.  So much so, that in 2013 when I skipped my annual Birthday celebration, I got so depressed, I had to take a week off and went on a retreat alone.  Needless to say that 2013 turned out to be the worst year of my life and I swore to never not-celebrate my Birthday again! 

Last year in a very brave move, I took my family (parents, siblings, and children) to Hawaii on a trip that has to go down, as my most expensive vacation till date but it was money happily spent.  Putting a smile on your children’s faces gives you a good feeling but since my kids are still young enough that I know how to put a smile on their faces, it starts to look like an easy (albeit expensive) task, but putting an excited smile on your parents faces is a fantastic feeling, I tell you!

This year, since I am still recovering from that expensive Hawaii trip and I just moved back to Texas, I decided to have a party in my new apartment.  I love the way my low budget vision has come together so far in my new apartment so I did not mind showing it off to family and friends J.  In the first week of the New Year, I picked January 17^th the Saturday after my Birthday as my party day.   Friends and family were invited, the buffet food list was planned, a table was booked at Zanzibar Houston Cos its not a party until I have danced!  The party plans were underway and since party planning makes me happy, I stayed happy the first few weeks of 2015.  Which was a great way to keep the happiness from New Year’s Day!  On my next post, I will tell you all about how I spent my “ME YEAR” J.

My party on January 17^th turned out to be another awesome party even thought I didn’t get to bake the deserts myself.  I have started to get my long abandoned baking skills back in shape baking chocolate cakes, pineapple upside down cakes, a much complimented carrot cake, and a beautiful coconut pineapple cake.  I did all the party cooking myself so didn’t have any more energy to bake.   I had to save some energy for dancing.  There is nothing as horrible as putting together a great party and being too tired to enjoy it.  I have decided to share a few pictures from my beautiful party with you all and to wish you all a great start to 2015!

Stay Blessed and Happy!!  Don’t forget to tune in to hear how I spent the first minutes and hours of 2015.  Tip:  It involves fireworks and not just from the hot kisses J.

Marriage & Relationships

The Other Woman

My take on attacking the ‘other woman’ for your husband’s infidelity

“I sincerely believe that women who are married should spend more time and energy making their marriages great so that their husbands will have no reason to cheat, and should focus on effective ways to deal with their husband infidelity instead of attacking the other woman”.  – Judith Adaobiihuoma Udeke

Who is the other woman? 

I find it very interesting that a lot of married women think of ‘the other woman’ as this husband snatching female whose sole aim in life is to get their man.   To these women ‘the other woman’ is loose, she is easy, she stepped up to the man, maybe because she saw he was married and she just loves dating another woman’s husband.  News flash!  The rules of dating have not changed since you married him.  It’s still boy meet girl, boy asks girl out, girl says yes, and the dating starts.

Even when some of these women are faced with this fact they continue to say, why did she accept to date him knowing he is married.  She is a blah, blah, and blah.    And they go on to verbally and sometimes physically attack the other woman.  I would like to say at this point that sometimes these “other women” do not know the man is married when they start a relationship with him but that really is besides the point here. 

Why do women choose to pile the blame on the other women for the sins of their husbands?  Yes the other woman sins too by having sex with your husband but her sin should not be your problem, you are not in any kind of relationship with her.  You would hear these women quote the bible and sanctimoniously tell the other woman that she should know better.  “As a woman they should know the implications of blah blah blah” you will hear these women say.  Here is a bit of religious knowledge for you, unless this ‘other woman’ is herself married, your husband is the only one that has disobeyed one of the ten commandments so focus on that as you preach sister.  Also if this ‘other woman’ has never been married and therefore never taken a marriage vow, she knows absolutely nothing about the sanctity of a marriage relationship.  Actually I take that back, she knows as much about your marriage as the fact that your husband disregard it enough to first court then date her.  Think about that for a minute.

Attacking the other woman has been proven to be an ineffective way to deal with a cheating husband.  Lets take a look at some examples that are already out their in the media.  The case of Switz Beats wife vs. Alicia Keys.   Beats’ wife took the attack/confront/talk to “the other woman” route in dealing with her husband’s infidelity and today she is trying to get along with the other woman who is now the wife for the sake of her children.   You can find her Open Letter to Alicia Keys here.  She wrote it shortly before her divorce was final and I don’t think it did her marriage any good. 

Lets look at the case of Hilary Clinton and Monica Lewinsky.  I did not find any open letters or news of any communication Mrs. Clinton initiated with Ms. Lewinsky.  Maybe that is the reason she is still Mrs. Clinton and Mrs. Beats is now the former “other woman”.  At this juncture I hear some of you saying that its because Mr. Clinton and Mr. Beats, have different values, different upbringing, or different lifestyles.  Well that is a nice transition to the crux of my message.  Whether a man decides to marry the other woman or not is going to depend primarily on the man, just like whether a man decides to cheat on his wife or not is going to depend primarily on the man.

Knowing and remembering this fact, a married woman should refrain from attacking the other woman when her husband cheats, instead should focus on her husband and her marriage to find reasons for the infidelity and a way forward plan.   I believe that our men are falling short in being Christian and Moral leaders in their family and in the society because of how the world insist on painting a picture that Jesus or God the father appointed women as the more moral, more righteous sex.  I would like to know where this happened, as I am yet to find it in my bible.

If you like lists, here are few reasons to support my stand on this issue:  One, attacking the other woman is not going to help your marriage; it will either hurt it further or do no good at all.  Two, attacking the other woman may push your husband to her side in defense of your attack. Three if you want to be true to your Christianity remember that Jesus never teaches us to attack others even when we believe they have sinned against us. And last but not the least, be good to yourself; attacking the other woman may lead her to insult you or even physically harm you and that won’t do you or your marriage any good.

God Bless.

NB:  Please leave a comment, as always I would like to hear your opinion.

Marriage & The Family

On Women Breadwinners

Last Saturday night I was home chilling with three of my sisters.  It was a cool fall evening that quickly turned to night and then to morning as four well educated, career minded Alpha females, three of which were mothers, enjoyed heart felt and passionate, sometimes heated discussions over lots of good food, wine, tea, hot cocoa and yummy deserts.  {Thanks to Thanksgiving left overs we had loads of options J} As can almost always be predicted when women get together the issue quickly converged on Love, Marriage & Relationships.  This time though it was not the same old stuff, the focus was on women providers in a family unit.

Do Having a woman as the major provider in a family unit disrupt the natural order of marriage as God designed it?

“By the sweat of your face you will eat bread until you return to the ground” God told Adam in Genesis 3:19 

“When a woman who is financially capable of providing for a family marries a man who is not, she marries a man who is not ready for marriage” one of my sisters said during our discussion on Saturday. 

Do you agree?  Should women be marrying these men?  Should these men be getting married before they are able to provide for a family? How does the dynamics affect relationships between husband and wives in marriage? Are most men resentful of a woman who provides their family’s financial needs leaving them un-needed to do their God given responsibilities or according to 1 Timothy 5:8 making them worse than an infidel.  A little harsh but read it for yourself.  Are there men that are ok or even happy with being provided for by a woman?

I have seen and heard about these men who on the surface (or maybe to their clueless wives) they are happy to be provided for but they turn around and use their wives’ money to fund an extra marital relationships where they can have the natural provider position to another woman.  There was a particular gut-wrenching story about a successful corporate tax lawyer whose husband started another family in Nigeria as she worked hard in the US to shoulder the family’s financial responsibilities mostly by herself.  Her story was that he was doing business in Nigeria and that explained his frequent trips.  On the other hand his business was not doing so well just yet and that’s how she explained his inability to provide the family’s basic needs. 

It is my opinion that women should be very careful when taking the role of provider general in their marriage relationships, as they run a huge risk of emasculating and pushing away their husbands.  They also run a risk of suffering much more than heartbreak when and if their story becomes one of the ugly stories we heard and shared on Saturday.  Having being heartbroken quite a few times, I dare say it is far easier for a woman to heal a broken heart than to mend the destruction wrought when your heart is broken by a man you spent your money on. 

I honestly believe that women are not natural providers so it hurts them extra when a man they spent money on breaks their hearts.   Women that find themselves in this position begin to believe that the man should love & respect them extra because they are doing his job for them but it doesn’t work that way.  Women take note…  Men let me know if you agree or disagree.

God Bless

#Sisterhood #Marriagenthefamily