Marriage & Relationships

The Other Woman

My take on attacking the ‘other woman’ for your husband’s infidelity

“I sincerely believe that women who are married should spend more time and energy making their marriages great so that their husbands will have no reason to cheat, and should focus on effective ways to deal with their husband infidelity instead of attacking the other woman”.  – Judith Adaobiihuoma Udeke

Who is the other woman? 

I find it very interesting that a lot of married women think of ‘the other woman’ as this husband snatching female whose sole aim in life is to get their man.   To these women ‘the other woman’ is loose, she is easy, she stepped up to the man, maybe because she saw he was married and she just loves dating another woman’s husband.  News flash!  The rules of dating have not changed since you married him.  It’s still boy meet girl, boy asks girl out, girl says yes, and the dating starts.

Even when some of these women are faced with this fact they continue to say, why did she accept to date him knowing he is married.  She is a blah, blah, and blah.    And they go on to verbally and sometimes physically attack the other woman.  I would like to say at this point that sometimes these “other women” do not know the man is married when they start a relationship with him but that really is besides the point here. 

Why do women choose to pile the blame on the other women for the sins of their husbands?  Yes the other woman sins too by having sex with your husband but her sin should not be your problem, you are not in any kind of relationship with her.  You would hear these women quote the bible and sanctimoniously tell the other woman that she should know better.  “As a woman they should know the implications of blah blah blah” you will hear these women say.  Here is a bit of religious knowledge for you, unless this ‘other woman’ is herself married, your husband is the only one that has disobeyed one of the ten commandments so focus on that as you preach sister.  Also if this ‘other woman’ has never been married and therefore never taken a marriage vow, she knows absolutely nothing about the sanctity of a marriage relationship.  Actually I take that back, she knows as much about your marriage as the fact that your husband disregard it enough to first court then date her.  Think about that for a minute.

Attacking the other woman has been proven to be an ineffective way to deal with a cheating husband.  Lets take a look at some examples that are already out their in the media.  The case of Switz Beats wife vs. Alicia Keys.   Beats’ wife took the attack/confront/talk to “the other woman” route in dealing with her husband’s infidelity and today she is trying to get along with the other woman who is now the wife for the sake of her children.   You can find her Open Letter to Alicia Keys here.  She wrote it shortly before her divorce was final and I don’t think it did her marriage any good. 

Lets look at the case of Hilary Clinton and Monica Lewinsky.  I did not find any open letters or news of any communication Mrs. Clinton initiated with Ms. Lewinsky.  Maybe that is the reason she is still Mrs. Clinton and Mrs. Beats is now the former “other woman”.  At this juncture I hear some of you saying that its because Mr. Clinton and Mr. Beats, have different values, different upbringing, or different lifestyles.  Well that is a nice transition to the crux of my message.  Whether a man decides to marry the other woman or not is going to depend primarily on the man, just like whether a man decides to cheat on his wife or not is going to depend primarily on the man.

Knowing and remembering this fact, a married woman should refrain from attacking the other woman when her husband cheats, instead should focus on her husband and her marriage to find reasons for the infidelity and a way forward plan.   I believe that our men are falling short in being Christian and Moral leaders in their family and in the society because of how the world insist on painting a picture that Jesus or God the father appointed women as the more moral, more righteous sex.  I would like to know where this happened, as I am yet to find it in my bible.

If you like lists, here are few reasons to support my stand on this issue:  One, attacking the other woman is not going to help your marriage; it will either hurt it further or do no good at all.  Two, attacking the other woman may push your husband to her side in defense of your attack. Three if you want to be true to your Christianity remember that Jesus never teaches us to attack others even when we believe they have sinned against us. And last but not the least, be good to yourself; attacking the other woman may lead her to insult you or even physically harm you and that won’t do you or your marriage any good.

God Bless.

NB:  Please leave a comment, as always I would like to hear your opinion.