Edited: A Man's Role

What’s a Cherry on Top of Nothing?

There were a few cars at Einstein Brothers Bagel’s parking lot. I drove in around one in the afternoon. It was Sunday and Houston had better options than a bagel shop for brunch.  Earlier I suggested AKA sushi, as I craved a little sushi. I figured I could order a mango mojito to guide me through this not-so-desirable meeting.

I sat in my car. It was better than sitting in an empty diner waiting for him.  I love my car, but I no longer spend as much time in it since I lost my job. So here I was, in my Mars red GLK with the air-conditioner on maximum to stave off the heat. Houston was as hot as freshly-served coffee. I listened to random popular music on radio, as I checked my Facebook and Twitter updates.

He pulled into the lot several minutes later and parked his white BMW beside me. Years ago when I knew him, he drove a white, old, yet shiny Nissan Maxima.  I suppose a BMW is a natural upgrade for a Maxima, just like a Lexus for a Toyota and an Acura for a Honda.  Back then I drove an old Honda CRV, which I turned in for a new CRV before the Mercedes.  There was no Acura in between. So maybe there is no natural order to these upgrades.  

Did he drive his BMW carefully now?  I remember he rode his Maxima like a horse.  He’d speed up, drive really close to a car in front of him, and then narrowly miss it as he changed lanes.   I suspect he did it to impress me.  I can’t believe I thought it was hot.  Darn 20s.

As he stepped out of his car, I couldn’t believe I had found his almost albino skin attractive. I must have or we wouldn’t be meeting up now almost 8 years later.  Some female got out of the passenger side.  Who brings a girlfriend to these types of meetings?  The things that women have to put up with in today’s dating scene.  I had once told myself I could never accompany a man like she did, but I remembered Carl and his kids' baseball games.  I quickly convinced myself my case was different.  He never had to interact with the ex and I was by his side all the time.  Surely this female will not be sitting in on our discussion.  I would not stand for it.  

I got out of my car slowly and made my way inside the shop.  Thank God I didn’t wear high heels that much anymore. I’d have hated tramping in heels after these two.  Anyway, I didn’t really care what the server behind the counter and the sole diner thought of my outfit.  I felt comfortable in my flats and my relaxed short black dress with long transparent sleeves. 

I met them at the counter. 

“Do you want anything?” he asked her.

“Just get you,” she responded, before walking off to inspect the offerings at the other end of the counter. 

“What do you want?” he asked, this time turning to me. 

“Nothing,” I responded.

He paid for his bagel and orange juice on a separate check, leaving her to pay for her own food. I bought my own orange juice, once I figured talking to him without something to hold was probably a bad idea.  She settled her check with a credit card from her no-name purse.

I would love to give you every juicy detail of this meeting, including the part where the server brought her meal to our table, how she awkwardly walked down to where we were to retrieve the sandwich and drink. But this is a blog post not a short story.

As we left the bagel shop, this guy who let his girlfriend pay for a lousy bagel that she ate alone while he talked to me for over an hour, made a show of holding car door open as she climbed in.  A few months ago, I met up with him in a much nicer restaurant where he bought me a fine lunch and held the restaurant door open for me.  Today, however, I drove my own car. I’d rather my man pay for my meal than hold the door open for me.  Was she one of those girls that liked to go Dutch? 

Do girls really like to pay their own way when out with a guy?  I posed this question to my Facebook friends and 17 out of 25 women would rather have a man pay for the meal when on a date than open the door.  Most women consider a guy paying for their meal, basic, and the latter a little extra or “cherry on the pie.” 

So the question is: what is a cherry on top of nothing?

A Single Mom’s Rant - Edited Version

A Single Mom’s Rant

Some days I wish I wasn’t born.  Or I wish I were born a man and not a woman.  Why do I have to bear the brunt of the hell that is earth?  Why did I birth children no man wanted? Why didn’t I abort them?

Judge me all you want. I don’t see you sending me money to feed them, cloth them, house them, educate them; You don’t buy them toys that make them happy, buy them shoes that make them happy, pay for activities that make them happy. Or get things to keep them healthy and safe. 

Yes, you, sitting as my judge. You don’t babysit while I get some rest.  You don’t reduce my never-ending agony. 

Yes, I hate being a woman. 

You say, “no one told her to spread her legs,” but you aren’t more pious than me.  My sin is having unprotected sex. Yet he also had unprotected sex. And still he doesn’t suffer as I do.  He doesn’t have to listen to the constant chatter of squabbling children who demand attention all the time. He doesn’t have to worry about detention, conduct grades, rent, unemployment, lack of medical insurance and how to keep up with the never-ending bills. 

I am tired.

Tired of having no help.

Tired of being a woman.

Tired of being a mom.

Tired of being alive.

Right now as I watch over a sick child by midnight, I pray I don’t need to make a midnight emergency room run and that I don’t endanger his life having him home.   I say my prayers, as I wash loads of laundry. The boys need clean basketball uniforms for an 8 a.m. game. I am calm. I accept my cross and remain full of gratefulness for all the great things going for me. Sometimes, however, I can’t help but rant, mostly to myself.  Then it sounds like what I decided put down on paper two days ago.

God created the world. He made man and then a woman as his helper. Why is it that lots of women now do the job men were created to do?  It feels like the only thing men want is the fun part of making a baby. As soon as you enlist them in the work part, like changing diapers, staying up late, doing homework, paying for school, food and other basic needs, you get called names. You are left to do everything by yourself.  Yea, some of them are OK going out making money. Just don’t tell them to pay spousal or child support to the women stuck at home? That’d be unfair.

I am a single mom. I have been so since my first son was born almost 12 years ago. I never knew how it felt to depend on someone else to think about what is best for the kids.  I drive myself crazy sometimes; as I obsess whether a decision I make is the right one. With no one to run it over, it is so much harder to do so. 

Some women do not start out as single moms and had some help, or maybe just an appearance of help and then for one reason or the other they end up a single mom.  There is another group of single moms: They are married, sometimes for real, in which case a man comes home to them every night. Or sometimes the marriage is just on paper, via phone or Skype, where their husbands come home less than an out-of-town boyfriends sees his girlfriend.

This last group is the reason I now believe that I suffer not as a single mom, but as a mother.  This group has me thanking God I am a SINGLE, single mom.  Unlike them, I don’t have an additional mouth to feed, clothe, and clean up after.  Indeed I thank God I have no other person to bounce off decisions on because it’s hard enough to give up retirement savings or LV purses for piano lessons without having someone else yell, “It’s a waste of money.”  I hope none of my married friends take offence.  I only speak out from my pain.

When stressed I’d say some really horrible things to my kids, like “I should just give you away”, or “You just hate me and want to kill me.”  Afterwards I felt like the worst mom on earth. That is, until I heard another mother use similar words.   Then I remember that growing up, my mom said some pretty cruel words to me. It is only now I realize how stressed she must have been.  And even then we had a nanny. 

I rarely have someone else who worries about the little things, like making sure uniforms are washed and ironed on time, and the home is clean so I can focus on meals, money and bills. While it may sound like male bashing, I assure you, I only ask for help. Guys could make life a little better for kids, themselves and everyone else, if they only assisted hapless moms.

I cannot conclude this post without giving the girls who are yet to be mothers some advice. This is what I wish my mom had told me when I was younger. A good friend of mine mentioned she had decided early on to date only men with money.  I wish I had met her years ago. Instead I grew up with girls who wanted to be engineers and doctors and be as rich as any guy.  Meanwhile my mom told me that I should never have a child and expect a man to take care of the child because “men don’t take care of children.”  I was so convinced I could and should make enough money to take care of my children. I therefore stayed away from rich guys.

My advice to girls is that they should be like my friend: Date ONLY men with money.  Because money is the only problem you can count on a man to solve for you as a mother.  He won’t solve your pregnancy problems, he won’t change enough diapers or clean up the house after the kids.  He may not even help with homework or teach the kid to swim or ride a bike. 

My friend employs a nanny, and yes, she is in America.  Her kids are in a good private school, which I couldn’t afford on my engineer’s salary. Best of all, I have never heard my friend say really mean things to her kids. 

So only date a guy with money, even if you plan to get a good education and get a cushy job.

***

For those of us who did not get this good advice and are super stressed, I would love to start a Single mom’s club.  A support group like the one the group of women on Tyler Perry’s movie “The Single’s Mom’s Club” formed.  Five or six women who come together regularly to support each other emotionally to find balance in this world where a woman who God created with the limited strength of a helper has to be in charge.

Edited: Forgiveness

On the Onerous act of Forgiveness...

                                                                                The weak can never forgive.      

        Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong. 

      - Mahatma Gandhi

God spoke to me in church last Sunday. At about the time, the priest preached a Homily I have since forgotten. HIS voice came into my heart with an alarming request.  HE asked me to reach out to the fathers of my children. This is probably the toughest thing I will have to do this year.  I am a child that obeys God, so I set forth doing this task the way I begin any task, by thinking excessively about it. 

I concluded that since my older son is 11 years old and has his own phone and e-mail address, all I had to do was talk to him about it. The decision to proceed and communicate his dad would be up to him.  I gave him his dad’s e-mail address should he choose to proceed.  He sent the e-mail, got a reply with a phone number, which he will probably call.  Done!

The thinking phase for my younger son continued until last night when I resolved to send an e-mail to his dad.  I have been reading Dale Carnegie’s How to win Friends & Influence People and I thought it would be a good way to practice some of my learning.  Even with all the great tips from Dale Carnegie, it was hard to find the right words to get across to someone who seemed to disagree with me in every way imaginable.  Drafting my e-mail was an arduous task. Even more daunting is the wait for a response.  Have I opened an old wound to have salt drizzled on it? Now I wait….

I have tears in my eyes this morning over an event years past. I cry as I read hurtful e-mails a ‘friend’ sent to me. I have decided to send a reconciliatory e-mail. To forgive someone is one of the hardest things to do.  Even if the person repents and pleads your forgiveness, it will still be difficult if the person offended you. But to forgive a person who hurt you without them asking for forgiveness is an immense feat.

Why are human beings so hurtful?  What did I ever do to deserve such affront?  Do I have to be the one to reach out considering ‘he/she’ was the one that hurt me?  They should beg for my forgiveness.  Why is being a Christian so difficult? They hurt me, why can’t God make them come to their senses and ask me for forgiveness?  Do I deserve the humiliation of reaching out to them?  My questions become more existential.  Why did God make me a woman?  A distressed, unappreciated, emotional woman. Silent tears become a noiseless wail as emotions get the best of me.

This year’s Easter has brought forgiveness into my heart in all sorts of ways.  For instance, a friendship that ended two years ago in a very bitter argument and separation—far worse than anything I experienced in my teenage dramatic years—was recently regenerated due to no deed of mine.  I got a message from my friend on LinkedIn, not an “I am sorry” message unfortunately J, but a simple message asking to reconnect.  After thanking God, I responded and in a few days I may be seeing a good old friend for the first time a long time. And meeting I get to ‘his/her’ their one year old daughter for the first time. 

NB:  If you have an old friend or a family member who greatly hurt you and you would like to make peace with, even if it is not for your own sake but for God’s sake or the sake of something besides you like your child, your family, etc.  Please contact me and I would be happy to share my e-mail and some of the great things I have learned along the way.

Cheers!

God Bless

Love & Marriage: Why Men Need More Relationship Advice

Love and faithfulness keep a king safe; through love his throne is made secure. Proverbs 20:28 

Last month I went to Baton Rouge, Louisiana and spent time with some good friends I hadn’t seen in a while.  I inquired about mutual friends and acquaintances; you know how these reunions go.  I was quite saddened by the news that a couple I admired got divorced.  “A nasty divorce”, is the way my friend put it. She went on to narrate that “the wife turned the kids against him” in a bitter separation and custody battle. 

This story connected in my brain with something another friend told me about his ex-wife.  He said they didn’t have a good relationship because she is so antagonistic and even tried to get full custody of the kids during their divorce with all sorts of claims on how he physically abused the kids. 

One thing is certain; divorce hurts both men and women.  A divorced man shrinks his disposable income, sometimes pretty drastically, and whether he believes it or not, being divorced carry a scar that could reduce or eliminate his chances of marrying a girl he meets down the line.  Lastly, the emotional scars of a bungled marriage also lodges in the heart of men as it does women.

Considering these reasons, men need more marriage and relationship advice if we are to improve the quality of today’s marriages and lower divorce rates.  Women are an over advised group.  Every corner you turn, on the Internet, in church, in magazines on radio, or TV women are assailed with advice.  This has made for a generation of women who are much better prepared for marriage relationships than their male counterparts and as we all know it takes two.

I have two sons, three brothers, and lots of male cousins, friends and even ex-boyfriends that could benefit from relationship advice so here goes….

On the issue that women never forgets.  I agree that women hold unto hurts more than men just as I agree that men are more childlike than women and I don’t say this in a supercilious way.  This art of being artless is one that is wordy of emulation as a Christian, and one that my mother insists will see more cheating husbands in heaven than their unforgiving pious wives.  That is a story for another day. 

Dearest men folk, women never forget because men never apologize.   Hurting a woman’s feelings and saying let us get past this is not a good way to preserve a healthy relationship.  Women need to hear “I am sorry”, we may even need to see “I am sorry”.  It is easier to truly forgive someone and forget the hurt they caused you when you believe they are sorry for hurting you.  Believe it or not this is also applicable to our relationships with our fellow women.

I have heard a lot of men say, “I didn’t mean to hurt you”, not the same as “I am sorry for hurting you”.  It doesn’t matter if there was intent to hurt or not.  What matters is that the one you love and made your wife is hurt and you should apologize sincerely and truly try to do better in that sphere.

I hope that you guys find this piece of advice useful.  I would love to hear your comments.

Cheers

God Bless!